Thicker, Longer, and More Uncut
A Collaboration of Comedy
13 Ludicrous Stories from 11 Hilarious Authors
Eggplant Emoji is bigger and bolder with the funniest short fiction anthology of the year. Be amazed at how fun reading is with these punchy stories, filled, nay packed to the sh!t, with laughter. Read it ironically at first for the sheer novelty of the phallic cover, but then realize how earnest and human the stories are, fall in love with the humor, and make it your whole identity. Or just casually read a story when you need a good chuckle. Whatever you want, I’m DTF.
Cover art by James P.W. Martin
- “Damage Control for My Five Dads” by Jack McBiggs
- “My Big Fat Gay Improvised Vengeance Plot” by K.G. Delmare
- “Titties for Leemoy” by James P.W. Martin
- “The Karma Sutra Part II” by Prudence Paganini
- “ACAB Includes Fairy Tales” by Unstoppable Buffalo
- “Anxiety” by N. Kaiser
- “Peck / Dugong” by Robert Garnham
- “Inantimacy” by William McCreavy
- “Job City” by Liz Lydic
- “Next to Nothing” by Richard Leise
- “The Man Who Talked Out of His Ass” by Mark Daponte
- “Your Lyft Driver, Satan” by Prudence Paganini
- “Who’s Ready for Some Chicken?” by Unstoppable Buffalo
Unstoppable Buffalo: How to write a professional biograpghy. Thanks Hubspot!
He is Edward Thomas Buggey. He’ll fix your car and never misses a credit card payment. Ed Buggey writes stories. He doesn’t know you, but wants to in a very appropriate way. His writing usually ends up on the clearance rack, riddled with price drop stickers; but his writing is swell, so it’s top tits. Did he mention he plays piano and has a corgi? Don’t forget, he’ll always keep it short and sweet. Don’t know what that means? Well fuck him too, neither does he. Most of Ed’s writing will fit in most standard residential 120V sockets and comes with adapters for usb ports and lightning charging cables; like we needed another fucking cable to add to the drawer. Thanks technology. Although this book has nothing to do with Computed tomography angiography, Ed felt it would be a good practice to, at the very least, make its presence known to all reading this bio. Source: https://blog.hubspot.com/marketing/how-to-write-a-bio
Mark Daponte: Mark Daponte is self-tickled pink to appear in Eggplant Emoji Volume 2. Depending on the day and time he is harassed by vagrants, he is mostly happy to call Brooklyn, NY his home. He is currently writing a children’s book called “Babar-BOOM!;” which tells the tale of an elephant king from Vietnam who suffers from the war’s flashbacks. Mr. Daponte’s hobbies include needlessly waiting by his phone to be inundated with monetary offers to write comedy. He is now in talks with Hallmark Cards to develop singing condolence cards that when opened, feature the Monkees’ Mickey Dolenz singing, “I’m a Bereaver.”
K.G. Delmare: K.G. Delmare is a Brooklyn-based author who deals in multiple genres. They received their Bachelor’s in English from Fordham University in 2016, along with a breathtaking amount of student loan debt. Their work has been featured by publications including All Worlds Wayfarer, Breath & Shadow and TERSE. Journal. Their story was inspired by a love of drag, long hours swiping left on dating apps and the relentless psychological burden of their Italian-American Catholic upbringing. They can be found on Twitter @KGDelmare.
Robert Garnham: Robert Garnham has been performing comedy poetry around the UK for over ten years at various fringes and festivals, and has had three poetry collections published by Burning Eye. He has made a few short TV adverts for a certain bank, and a joke from one of his shows was listed as one of the funniest of the Edinburgh Fringe. He was recently an answer on the TV show Pointless and appeared, very briefly, on Britain’s Got Talent. His short stories have been published widely.
N. Kaiser: Legend has it, if you own an original run copy of Final Fantasy VII, you can summon the spirit of N. Kaiser by whispering “Sorry, Onii-chan” three times to your reflection in the back of Disc 3. But beware, Hell has a strict no returns policy.
In a just world, N. Kaiser would have been sacrificed for the greater good long before she discovered the power of written language. Unfortunately, God is dead, and N. Kaiser spent her formative years reading Homestuck fanfiction.
She’s about to make it everyone’s problem.
Richard Leise: Richard writes and teaches outside Ithaca, NY. A Perry Morgan Fellow from Old Dominion University’s MFA program, his fiction and poetry is featured in numerous publications. His debut novel, BEING DEAD, will be available from Brigids Gate Press fall, 2023. His unique literary work, “Johannes & Merritt” (Dark Lake Publishing), is available from Amazon. And his luminous love story, “Jennifer,” will be available from DreamPunk press January, 2023. Follow him on Twitter @coy_harlingen.
Liz Lydic: Liz Lydic is a mom, writer and an admin for a city in the Los Angeles area. She also does theatre stuff.
James P.W. Martin: James P.W. Martin has one initial in his name for each body buried in his garden. Don’t worry, they deserved it. He enjoys tending to the tomato plants and harvesting their fruits. Cropping all over their yields. With a smile, he delivers nutrient-dense produce to the enrichment of his community. Carrying the juiciest red tomatoes in his wicker basket, crowds cheer his long-winded name. He wipes sweat from his brow as he looks over his field, knowing the accomplishment he feels will wane as his harvest dwindles, and it will be time to add another initial to his name. Jamespwmartin.com | Twitter: @jamespwmartin
Jack McBiggs: If it can’t make you laugh it’s not worth reading. That’s why I’m so excited to be able to contribute to Eggplant Emoji, because making the reader laugh is the truest test of an engaged audience. I’m trying to bring this same eggplant energy to all of my writing, including my debut fantasy novel, Marbles: The Hawk Who Refused to Die A Virgin, available for free at marblesthehawk.com
In addition to writing, I am 39 years old and have never caused a partner to orgasm. I got close once. That pretty much sums me up.
William McCreavy: William McCreavy attended Penn State University, where he graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Biological Engineering. He currently lives in Doylestown Pennsylvania with his Golden Retriever, Skylar. Skylar’s sister, Scout, passed away June 9th, 2022. Across her 14 years of life (April 2nd 2008 – June 9th 2022), she beat cancer twice and brought joy, love and happiness to everyone she met. She also famously barked at every animal that ever came on TV, including some CGI Dragons. William dedicates all his works to his dogs Scout and Skylar and every friend and family member that’s given him support over the years. He hopes through his writing he can provide someone with the laughter, fun and happiness that other stories have given him.
Prudence Paganini: “Just like mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell, Prudence Paganini is the powerhouse of your mom’s vibrator. She likes her food like she likes her literature- sexually immature. Lamb liver, caviar, edamame – these aren’t just nicknames she has for your testicles; these comprise a diet fueling a writing career that, unlike that lamb, will be admired for many years to come.” – Jack McBiggs